Other Things We Should Abandon with the Ames Straw Poll

Connor Simpson 2,400 Views Nov 22, 2012

There’s a movement growing that says we should get rid of the Ames Straw Poll. Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad was the first person to say that this thing has got to go, and now other politicians are agreeing with him. Do you remember who won last year’s straw poll? Hint: it was not Mitt Romney.

It was Michele Bachmann. She… well, let’s be nice and say she didn’t win the Republican nomination. So, in the spirit of getting rid of the straw poll, here are some other thing we think should be abandoned:

  • The Dixville Notch. It was a tie this year. Get rid of it.
  • The New Hampshire primary. It used to be first. Now it’s, like, third. Get rid of it.
  • Every primary that tries to jump the New Hampshire primary to be the first one, as if it matters. Get rid of them, too.
  • Actually, let’s eliminate the entire primary process. Have them fight in the UFC and the winner becomes the nominee.
  • Republicans. They’re all terrible. Get rid of them all.
  • Democrats. They’re all terrible. Get rid of them all.
  • Independents. They’re all terrible. Get rid of them all.
  • Football on Christmas.
  • Christmas.
  • Football.
  • Survivor Series. It’s a bad pay-per-view, and hardly a Thanksgiving tradition like it used to be.

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